I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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