My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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