I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
