She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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