1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
