Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
