I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
