Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
