Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
