You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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