she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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