Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
