my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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