I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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