chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
