i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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