last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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