If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
