There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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