So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
sex in a hospital.. check
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
