can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
