I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
