i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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