Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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