no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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