We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
