3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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