my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
