the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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