Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
