Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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