How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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