Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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