I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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