i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
