Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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