Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
