my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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