so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
