So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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