If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
