and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
