I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
