Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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