I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
