i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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