So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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