Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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