I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
