I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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