Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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