this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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