Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
