if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
