I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I met the friendliest cop last night
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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