We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
